Mentally Ill

I like to say I am mentally ill
It's a package. Nice and clean.
Nicer than saying being beaten
As a tiny toddler boy taught me
Such HATRED for myself
Such powerful HATRED for myself
Hatred hatred hatred
That half a century later
I am still driven by it.
I still feel the burn of the belt.
Beaten beaten beaten
I still feel it realer than you
It is realer than you
You are nothing to my hate
Of me.
So I like to say I am mentally ill
It is nicer than what is real
What is real
What is real
I don't know
Mentally ill.

Paint Herself

Her quick skill
She marked two sides of the board
String aligned
Chalk on the string
SNAP
Line across.
Move the string
Chalk again
Hold it tight
SNAP!
Another line
Precision married to art
Did she paint the blackboard
Paint herself?
Paint herself?
Artist.

Can't Fix It

I see women attach themselves
To creepster crawly abusers
To predatory predators
Please baby, can I talk on the phone
To deal with medical issues?
For my child?
Please Baby?

Life in desperate poverty
Is that hard
Abused by one not many
Abused by one not many
My fucking God.
My heart is ripping apart

Can't fix it.
I can't fix it.
I CAN'T fix it.
Help. Help. Help.
Magic 3s
Fix it

Wait In Vain

Inhabiting our depths
Isn't transformation
We exist — eternal
Our job to swim in our sea

If you are waiting for transformation
You wait in vain
To heal wait no more
Your ills are not of the eternal soul

Discover yourself —
Be — without judging
Enlightenment is acceptance
Not cure

No Connection

Oh. I see you. You form relationships.
You are married. You have a boyfriend.
A couple! Together. Choosing another.
Oh how I wish I could find that!

I understand that you can do it
But I don't at all understand how.
Broken folk like me did not bind
Did not bind to a mom or a dad.

We do not know how to bind.
We do not know how to be friend.
We do not know how to be love.
We do not know how we do not know how.

I want folk. I want to love folk.
I want to be connected to anyone.
I want to be connected to anyone.
I want to be connected to anyone.

But I don't know how.