Secrets

I don't want you to know
What I want you to know
You don't want to hear
What I want you to know
If you heard what I want you to know
You would say ewww, you know?
Then you wouldn't hear what I need you to know.
You'd be gone and then you'd never know
That I need you. I am in pain. I hurt.
I hurt myself. I don't even mind. I like to.
I cut myself and it makes me feel better.
If I don't do it and my arm is almost healed
I panic. I get so afraid and I rush to cut myself
So that I will be ok. I will be ok. I will be ok.
I hear myself all of the time in my head say that
I want to kill myself and it doesn't freak me out.
Not even a little bit. Well. Kind of terrifies me.
Not the thought, but the not freaking me out part.
I don't know if it means that I will.
I don't know if it means that I will.
What a fucking thing to not know.
That's a weird place to be in.
So I sit and cry and write this
Message in a bottle
A bottle thrown into the sea
My message going out into the world.
I'm too afraid to address it.
To afraid it will be returned unopened.