Consumed

The alcohol consumption of my father was
Not understood by my younger self
I thought his sudden anger
Due to my failings -
My inability to be what I should be
My inability to do what I should do
My inability to not suck

I didn't know what drunk was and
Truthfully he didn't show many signs
Irish descent means can drink a lot
We're proud of that.
Irish descent means high risk of alcoholism
Are we proud of that?
Think so.
Lots of drinkers in our family.

How he used to rage
It always hurt him more than me
It always hurt him more than me
Poor guy.

I felt such shame for that
Such - shame - for -that

I made my father have to beat me
I made him beat me with a belt
I made him beat my bare bottom
I made him put welts on my ass and legs
Sometimes blood.  Oops!

I was so horrible to make him go through that
I wanted to die in shame
No, really, five years old -
I already wanted to die in shame
I wanted to not exist.
Still do, I just have plenty of reasons now
Catholic boy going to hell

How could I have been so horrible as to
Put some of the stuff under the bed
When I was supposed to be cleaning my room?
I was useless and worse than useless
I was a scourge on the world.
Why did I have to be me
Why did I have to exist

Eventually the alcohol consumed
Enough that he calmed down
Turned him from violent to maudlin drunk.
Later it consumed enough that he died
Bye bye dad I hardly knew you

All these years later I
Am still being consumed.
I am still so angry at me
I am filled with rage at me
That's why I cut.

Isn't victimization lovely