Frozen

To be frozen in busy inactivity
Frenetic quivering icicles
Not quite blocking the view of
What we  can  not  do (but should)
Is horrible.

The ice keeps crazing cracking
Trying to release us to our tasks
And frantically we patch the cracks
We pour a little water - freeze! freeze!
And try to keep our gaze averted
From What We Are Not Doing.


Community

Being mentally ill
Has down sides
I don't deny it
I am the first to say so

But unexpectedly
I have found community
People mentally ill
Like I am.

I have found people everywhere
That were invisible to me before
My life-long crazy mind
Got so bad I couldn't hide it.

They are all around and happy
To greet, to help, to see, to see me.
It is an invisible community
With entrance only by mental illness.

Dedicated to Lindsey

Face of Fear

I try to face my fears
Especially new ones
With the idea that
Putting that face to them,
Turning them toward me,
Lets me (hopefully)
Keep them smaller.

Ignored,
They grow
And overwhelm
And crush

I am crushed.

Today the cable
Under California Street
Growwwwwlled
Waiting to tug
Cable cars up the hill
And for a minute
I wasn't sure
If I could cross the street

It was so visceral.
It crawwwwlled
Under my skin.
My heart panicked
My unshed tears ached
The back of my eyes

But unwilling to give
In to another fear
Unwilling to give it
Space in my life,
When the light said walk
I walked

Pounding heart
Barely able to breathe
Through that cable of fear
Imprisoning my chest

Calmly

Slightly smiling

I walked.

Halfway across
The heavy iron cover
Vibrated and growled
Through the soul of my foot.

For a moment
It was a real possibility
That I would freeze
That I would retreat.

But I barely paused

Soldiering on

Being brave

Next time
I just happen to know
The cable car turns in the next block.
At Van Ness I can cross sans cable
And from there I can't see the fear's face.

Famous

I see famous people
And they are just like
Non-famous folk I know

What does it mean?
Why are they famous?
It seems an accident.

Don't Open

People want me to learn to take risk
To open my heart
To let people in.

OK. I tried it.
I breached my walls
I let someone in
I have kind of a friend
And you know what?
I am overwhelmed.

Loneliness suddenly
Towers over me
A galaxy dwarfing
Frightening
Scary
Powerful
Storm.

I want my walls back.
It is too much.

Cutting Kindness

You probably don't understand
Since I have no friggin clue
How I can take a blade
To my arm
And
Cut cut
Cut cut cut
And smile with relief
As my own beautiful blood
Runs down my arm
And sigh my ease and peace
And tell myself softly thank you.

I am trusting you
With my dark and terrible secret
Not in the hope of any redemption
Nor in the hope of your understanding
But just to let you know
That we are out here.
I am not alone.

Patient

Oh my sweet love
You are out there somewhere
And we may meet or we may not
But I will wait for you

You love and you care
And you think and you laugh
And you tend the plants
And you tend the lives

And you will make me laugh
And I will make you laugh
And we will read each other poems
That we wrote or we loved

And when times turn grim
And when grief strikes
And illness, and death
And we have little to give

We will give the little
And it will be more
And we will love through anger
And smile through fights

And grow. And grow.
And be. And be more.
And make something
Something more in the world

Oh my sweet love
You are out there somewhere
And we may meet or we may not
But I will wait for you.

How Dare He

I am having trouble speaking
Filled with such fury.
How dare he.
How. Dare. He.

Doesn't he know what he's done?

The gift of a chance of relationship
The gift of someone caring
The thing we all are looking for
And when it gets hard he throws it away
Like nothing
Like the garbage

And she's left in confusion
With her heart ripped jagged
Still trying to explain his heart
Thinking that if he just knew
It would work.

The Gift

The gift of your trust
Opening to me your pain
Brings me to stillness